The First Step
by Lamb's Fortune
Summary: Slash: Edward has long struggled with his identity and his place in the world. When a new boy arrives in Forks, what he thought he knew about himself will be swept aside. Starts out as a slash retelling of Twilight. ExOC AU Rated M for lemons'n'language.
1. Chapter 1

**The First Step**

**Full Summary - Edward has long struggled with his identity. His place in the world, whether he would experience it alone, all these things have been up in the air. When a boy with the most alluring blood arrives in Forks, Edward realizes that he may have known even less about himself than he thought. Vampires. This story starts out more or less as a slash version of Twilight, but it certainly won't just be a dull retelling. There's too many opportunities for fun here for that... So while it may seem repetitive at first, please stay with me. **

**Please excuse the brief foray into het in this chapter. It was necessary, but won't happen again.**

**Also, both Beau and Edward will be somewhat OOC, Beau simply because he isn't technically Bella (though they are similar) and Edward because the occasional case of potty mouth and dirty, dirty mind is just so right.**

**  
M for Mature! If you want Edward to have his guy on guy sexytime, you'll get it eventually.**

**A/N - I have currently chosen the name 'Beau' as my male replacement for Bella, as they share a meaning and I think it sounds nice. However, this is not completely set in stone. I am open to suggestion on this matter, see the author's note at the end of this chapter for more.**

**I do not own Twilight or any characters featured therein. Belongs to Stephanie Meyer. I sorta own Beau though...?**

Chapter One - Lonely Trees

_There are precious few at ease with moral ambiguities_

_So we act as though they don't exist_

_-The Wizard of Oz_

**BPOV**

Damn airplane food. As we began our descent into Seattle, whatever it was the stewardess had served at one was beginning its own dark ascent. The plane briefly leveled out, and the battered book in my hands was safe for the moment. Glancing at the page number, I realized I had been reading the same paragraph over and over for at least the last hour. The windows had darkened as we submerged through the thick canopy of cloud hanging over the city. The deep rumbling of distant thunder echoed. I hoped this was for the best. I certainly couldn't be for the worse, not if I could keep my mouth shut.

I flipped the book back to the front page, even its title escaping me now. 'Beau' was still there, in my untidy scrawl, above the title where I had written it so many years before. A tear threatened to well up, but I blinked it away.

_Crybaby._

I shoved the book into my ugly fluoro backpack and made a vein attempt at pulling up the zip. Goodness knows what possessed Renée to purchase a fluorescent backpack, I certainly wouldn't have picked it out myself. That thought prompted a small stab of guilt - I had never really talked to my mother about much to do with anything over the last few years. How was she to know what damn color backpack I would want? Giving up on the zipper, I simply clutched the useless bag closed and held it against my chest as the plane lined up with the runway.

---

_"Hey, c'mon already! Just hurry up and pick!" the boy called, irritated that the captain of the other team just couldn't decide. Of course he couldn't decide, the only options left were a boy who had a broken arm and myself._

_"Seriously, would _you_ be able to decide between these two?" the captain replied, smirking at me. "I got a choice between broken arm and fagboy here. What am I supposed to do?"_

_---_

The tear made an unwelcome return, and landed on my t-shirt before I had the chance to stop it. What a happy seventeenth birthday that had been. This would _definitely_ be for the best. The seatbelt light went off and the plane began to empty, while I continued to gaze out of the window, not wanting even these strangers to see my flushed face and reddened eyes. The rain beating relentlessly against the window distorted the figures dashing about on the ground.

"Sir, please. It's time to leave."

I jumped, and turned around to see the stewardess smiling gently at me, a concerned look in her eyes. I realized that the plane was empty save for us, and I quickly wriggled out of my seatbelt and fled her gaze. After spending most of my life in Phoenix, Arizona, I had decided to bite the bullet and move in with my dad, Charlie. He lived in the rainy middle-of-nowheres-ville on the Olympic Peninsula where I had spent the first few years of my life. Apart from its rainfall statistics, there was little to distinguish this town named Forks from the leafy, moss-covered trees that loomed over it from all sides. The perfect place to disappear. The perfect place for me.

As I stood waiting for my baggage to arrive, I noticed one more small upside of moving to Washington. In Phoenix, my year-round pallor was a constant source of material for my tormentors in the years before the realized they could also make cracks about my sexuality. They may have been right, but that didn't mean they knew for sure. They were far too stupid for that. But I was shy, and a bit bookish, and thus an easy target for any label. I didn't really fit any kind of stereotype I could think of - fashion escaped me, and my soft brown hair reacted angrily at any attempts to style it. I certainly didn't have a gaggle of girlfriends surrounding me as we made snide remarks about who was hot and who wasn't. No - girls no more wanted to be my friends than boys did. Which isn't to say I was friendless, I just stuck with those who I belonged with. The card-players in the library at recess, the corner-tablers in the cafeteria at lunch. I was a bit lonely sometimes, but I wasn't unhappy.

Of course, that all changed when I hit my late teens without ever having drawn the interest, are having attempted to draw this interest, of a girl. Unforgivable, even amongst the marginalized. Not that they bothered me for it, but the other students did. Not-so-subtle remarks behind my back, nasty notes in my locker and a classically unpleasant gym class became my new school routine, but even that I could deal with, seeing as I didn't care for what they thought of me anyway. Once they started beating me, though, I realized it had gone far enough. I couldn't stay in Phoenix, I needed a new start. Renée's new husband, Phil, was looking to go on tour with his baseball team for a while anyhow, and I knew my mother wanted very much to join him. The decision was easy, it would give mom the time with her husband she wanted and it would give me a chance to start at a new school. Girlfriend? No, I couldn't possibly. I had one, back in Arizona. A _serious_ one. Didn't go so well, though, and I'm not thinking about relationships until I get to college. That's what I would tell them, these Forks kids.

"Beau!" a familiar voice cried, and I turned around to find myself crushed in my father's embrace. "Been too long, buddy." The display of affection was unusual, but warranted as it had been at least a year since I had seen Charlie. I had always gotten along great with my dad, we were both the reserved type, and we both appreciated the simple fact that the less you said, the less you could slip up on. Charlie didn't know I was gay, but that really did not matter in the slightest. The last thing I wanted at Forks was to let that have anything to do with my life - if one part of the story I was going to tell the kids at Forks was true, it was that I wasn't even going to think about relationships and the like until I was in college. If they were interested enough to listen to my story at all.

Still, it was good to see Charlie again. My erratic, flighty mother and I had begun to lose touch around the time I hit my teens. She was so eager for her handsome little boy to win himself a girlfriend, and so eager to be involved in my life in general. I loved her, and I wished she could have been, but I was far too insecure to let her in on the more private aspects of my life. Not that she really would have minded the truth, a small voice in my head reminded me. She would probably squeal with delight and insist on shopping sprees or some such nonsense that would make me want to gouge out my own eyes. But that would have made it far too real, for her to know. Arizona held nothing for me anymore.

Charlie, on the other hand, knew how I worked. The same way he did. Quietly, and without fuss. Kindred spirits, I liked to think of us. As hard as starting over would be, I couldn't really think of a better place.

"So... how's your mother been?" he asked, apparently unable to think of anything else to say. I sighed with relief.

"She's fine. I think Phil's good for her. Less yogalates classes lately, and no skydiving." It was a relief to know that Phil would, quite literally, be able to keep Renée's feet on the ground.

"Good, good. Well, how about we get you home, eh?" Charlie mumbled. He hoisted my suitcase and we made our way out of the airport. The heavens promptly release a downpour over our heads, soaking us both right through. "Welcome to Washington, kid." Charlie smiled. The ride from Seattle to Forks in Charlie's police cruiser was pleasant enough, though I dreaded the thought of having to ride to school in it.

---

_"The fuck are you looking at?" Adam yelled at me. The bus heading up the road? I was sitting on the path outside of my school in Phoenix, desperately trying to follow the shifting shadow of a small tree to keep the sun from toasting my fair skin as I waited for my ride home._

_"N-nothing." I mumbled, trying to look busy as Adam and a few of his friends headed up towards the bus stop._

_"Don't look like nothing, fagboy. Fucking checking me out, weren't you? You're a fucking pervert..." he growled. I desperately tried to keep looking down at my shoes. The sole of my shoe was starting to come loose, probably because I was so damn flat-footed. Perhaps I could try that thing where they put books on their heads to fix their posture and-_

_"HEY! I'm talking, here!" Adam shouted. What was his problem? I thought he didn't want me to look him? Not that I would have wanted to. His eyes were entirely too far apart for my liking, and his piggy nose made him look as though he had run head-long into a brick wall. Being on the football team might be good for your social aspirations, but -_

_"DAMMIT! You're fucking dead, fagboy!" he bellowed as his fist made contact with the side of my face._

_---_

A few more tears crept up on my eyes as I stared out the window as the trees grew closer together, the clouds grew even thicker and the thunder continued its gentle rumble. _Why me? _The scars, the bruises - eventually I would get over them, I hoped. Memories, now, they were a bitch. Images of fists and feet in my head, taunts as I tried to sleep.

---

_"STOP IT! Stop... you'll kill him..." a girl sobbed. No, they wouldn't kill me, I thought grimly to myself, my thoughts somehow separate from the abuse being inflicted on my frail body. Far too easy, and ultimately far too painless for me. That and they wouldn't want to risk those sports scholarships... I felt them being dragged off of me, and the girl gently looked into my eyes to make sure I was still conscious. The bus driver and a few other guys dragged Adam and his cronies away. "Please be okay..."_

_---_

The roar of a passing motorcycle, surely breaking the speed limit, pulled my from my memories and the car was immediately sprayed with muddy water in the bike's wake. I looked up to see the house of my early childhood in front of me. It had seen better days, not that I minded. I looked comfortable, it looked cozy. It had small front and backyards, beyond which the forest sat, mysterious and beautiful, yet seeming to keep a respectful distance from civilization. Still, one lone tree stood tall in the backyard, the emerald green of the moss and the reddish-brown of its bark creating a stunning contrast as it reached upwards towards an upstairs window.

"Not going to book that motorcycle, chief?" I raised an eyebrow at Charlie, pointing my head in the direction the bike had gone. Charlie looked around, then ran his hand through his hair.

"I would, if I could keep up with it. Darn thing goes so fast I can't catch it or the numberplate." he sighed angrily.

I stepped out of the car, falling further than expected and lading with a slosh in a large puddle. Perfect.

"Oh sorry, I forgot that was there," Charlie said apologetically, "never usually anybody getting out of that side of the car. I'll fill it in tomorrow." I clambered out of the puddle, my poor new shoes now a potential write-off, and looked back at Charlie to see him standing nervously by a bulbous red truck. "Billy over at the reservation thought you might be able to find a use for it. His son Jake fixed it up himself for you, and I know you kids don't like having your parents drive you to school an' all."

I grinned, for what felt like the first time in a while. "Thanks, Charlie." The truck really did look charming - and in need of some company. "I love it."

Inside, the house was the same odd mixture of warm, rustic hues and unfortunate mid-eighties designs that I remembered. Charlie showed me up the narrow staircase to my room. No midnight escapades for you, young man, I thought to myself as I carefully picked my way up the stairs. Renée's house had no stairs, and I would be lucky to survive these in broad daylight let alone in the dark. My room still had the same little bed I had slept on during the odd summer I had spent with Charlie, and also the old computer that I had tried unsuccessfully to start.

"Jake fixed that old thing up, too." Charlie added. "Don't know how much it'll be good for, but you should be able to type up your homework and email your friends with it." Friends, sure. Can't wait, Charlie, I thought ruefully. I had a few people I spoke with occasionally at school, but I had my doubts they would even notice that I had gone. He stood awkwardly in the doorway as I poked around the room. We had left my shoes and suitcase out on the porch to dry, so I had carefully extracted the few things I had brought with me from Phoenix (mercifully spared the torrent by the surprisingly robust suitcase) and dumped them onto the bed. "So... the game's on, I'll be downstairs if you need anything. Dinner about six, that okay?" he asked.

"Yeah. Yeah that's fine, Charlie." I smiled, hoping to ease the moment. I felt a little guilty for dropping myself into the middle of Charlie's life so suddenly, but I rationalized that he was my father, and we were both the type to stay out of each other's way anyhow. The least I could do was cook something. "How about I make us steak for dinner? No takeout."

"Great!" Charlie's face lifted at this. He was no cook, but there was always a good steak or two and a freezer full of fish to be found in his kitchen. I would make myself useful. Charlie was good enough to take me in for the last two years of my schooling, and in return I would give his poor old heart a few extra years by cooking something lean and healthy as often as I could.

I lay back on the bed and stared out the window. The silence was barely disturbed as distant thunder began its gentle hum once more, and the tall tree outside the window ruffled its leaves slightly. I leaned over and extracted my flute from the small pile of clothing on the bed. I may be a danger to myself and others in most everyday situations, and my scrawl illegible to all but the most trained teacher's eye, but this I was good at. This gave me some peace. I began to play gently, not wanting to upset Charlie's sports. I'd join him if I felt up for it. In earlier years I would profess my support of the Redsocks just to see him turn red with rage.

The melody came forth almost of its own accord, sad and lonely. But, at the same time, hopeful. Was this how I felt? I supposed so, I knew this shy bookworm was going to have as lonesome a time in Forks as he would anywhere else, but something about this melody seemed foreign. Beautiful, but strange. Like it felt hope for the first time in a long time. Then the melody slowed, and felt pained. I almost felt sorry for it, as my fingers glided over the flute almost of their own accord.

I stopped, not wanting the tears to make their appearance again, even though I was alone. I began to sort through the small collection of muted sweaters and jeans I had brought, deciding that as much as I loathed clothes shopping, I would have to venture out and purchase something a little warmer to wear. I had brought a little money with me, and I supposed that Charlie wouldn't mind contributing a little to the let's-not-catch-pneumonia fund. Still, it would have to wait a few days. I couldn't think of any clothes shops in Forks aside from a store which also sold tents and the like, so I would have to make my way at some point to nearby Port Angeles.

A small gust of wind came in through the open window and I shivered, instead wrapping the bed's quilt around me to keep warm. I picked up the flute again, and the same slow, sad but once more hopeful melody filled the room, accompanied by the low rumble of the thunder.

Outside, the tree stood as still as a statue in the breeze.

**EPOV**

"Alice, please will you stop staring at me."

The little pixie had been looking at me strangely all day, as though she were seeing me for the first time. Her thoughts offered no clues, as she translated presidential speeches into binary. Not that I particularly cared at this point what she was thinking, or what she saw. The novelty of hearing the thoughts of others was one that wore off very quickly, and these days there were few things I would not give for a moment's peace.

"I just wish you would stop fucking staring!" I growled, making Jasper shoot me an annoyed glance.

_Don't yell at her, man. What's your problem?_

"Sorry, it's just that... sorry." Alice smiled, turning back to the dress she was making. Entering a fashion show in Paris under a pseudonym or some shit. I smirked at my own language - for a long time I had prided myself on being such a gentlemen, yet lately I found my mind and my manners slipping. _Edward, I do wish you wouldn't speak that way to your sister_, she thought from the garden. I sighed and threw the book I had been reading back on the shelf. It held no interest right now. I couldn't even find solace in my piano today, no matter what I tried all melodies escaped me.

Running my hands through my hair, I stood up and wandered out into the garage. My faithful Volvo stood guard over its fancier neighbors, but I passed it by and headed towards my motorbike. _My baby_, my thoughts purred, as I ran my hands over the leather seat and the shiny body. I swung one long leg over it and felt it rumble beneath me. _Ride me, go on..._ Fuck. These... mannerisms. I don't know where they came from, but my temper and my... emotions... were not doing their usual job of keeping me in check. I revved the engine as loudly as I could, before taking off out of the still opening garage door, Esme's hair flailing about in the slipstream I left behind as she worked on her flowers.

I pushed the bike as hard as it would go, thanking the time I had decided to spend at MIT and the illegal parts I had imported for the glorious roar that burst forth from the engine as I hurtled down the wooded road towards Forks. _Not today, Chiefy-poo,_ I smirked to myself as I tore by Chief Swan's cruiser as it pulled into his rundown old house. I heard a satisfying splatter as the car was pelted with muddy water from my indecent speed. He had never caught me so far, and damned if he ever would. _My baby is too fast_. The engine purred contentedly beneath me, and I patted it gently as I pushed even harder into the mountains. Though I would be merely a blur to any who saw me pass, I watched with great clarity each moss-covered rock, tree and stream along the deteriorating road.

_Here, I am free._

I loved my family, truly I did. But sometimes it was hard to feel connected with them. True enough, it could be hard for any vampire to connect with another, yet I often felt somewhat on the outer amongst all those damn couples.

_Out here, though, it's just me and my baby_. The bike roared in ecstasy as I squeezed harder with my legs, and pressed my feet down hard on the pedals. _So very wrong_, I thought to myself. The bike didn't fucking roar in ecstasy. _But nobody rides me like you do_...

---

_I dragged my fingertips over Tanya's breasts, lingering around the sides near her ribs. I let my fingers wander in gentle circles. She writhed a little beneath me. She was close, very close._

_"Do not move." I growled, looking down into her amber eyes. It was... easier this way. If I was in control. Always in control. I pressed my weight down on her, and she stilled, as my fingers continued in their journey over her breasts. They walked gently over to her nipples - they were hard. I was hard. As a rock, and yet bored stiff. Tanya groaned with pleasure, causing me to smirk, pinching her nipples tightly as she shivered. I bit my way gently down her stomach, my tongue coming to rest just above her entrance._

_"Edward..." she moaned, her eyes rolling back in her head. As mechanical as this felt, there was always something fulfilling about seeing a vampire reduced to this. A quivering mass beneath me, ready to produce whatever response I desired. I nipped playfully at her clit, and Tanya let out a scream, her back arching off of the bed. _It wouldn't the first bed you broke, _I thought as I dipped my fingers inside her and licked about. One more bite, and she came around me, the headboard reduced to splinters in her flailing hands._

_---_

_Damn girl_, I growled. It had been a month since I had slept with Tanya. And damn myself for thinking so ill of her. There was nothing serious, and we both recognized what we had for what it was. For her, it seemed, it was just sex. For me, it was just release. Like the blood of an animal, it worked, but I never felt truly satisfied. My thirst was never quenched, no matter how often I did it, but I could never quite wrap my mind around what was wrong. But I knew something was.

Something was always missing.

**A/N - Yes yes, I know I promised guy/guy sexytimes, but let's not rush things. Now about the name - I am pretty much settled on Beau, but if somebody has an absolute brainwave and comes up with something much better, I may be willing to change his name. Has to start with a B, though! And I am aware that there are forms, such as Bell and Bela, which CAN be guy's names. But no thanks.**

**Reviews make Edward horny...**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N – Nobody seemed to care for changing the name for Beau, so Beau he shall remain. I do not own Twilight or any characters featured therein. Belongs to Stephanie Meyer.**

Chapter Two - Blood and False Peace

_Driven to err by base desires, t'ward waste and wasting on they run._

_-The Occuria_

**BPOV**

My old red truck began to grumble and wheeze about halfway between Charlie's place and Forks High. Conspicuous lateness was probably not the best way to start my first date at a new school, so I decided to take the risk and keep on going. I was worried that whoever was riding that motorbike so viciously yesterday afternoon would spray mud all over the nice new paint job this Jake had given the truck, but fortunately he never materialized. With a cough and a groan of resignation, the truck died just as I was turning into the Forks High parking lot. Fortunately momentum stepped in and I was able to roll into the nearest parking space before the truck ground to a halt. Apparently this Jake wasn't quite the mechanic he thought he was, I smirked. Still, as much as I was growing to love the old truck, it really was a hunk of junk. What did I expect?

For a moment at least, fate smiled and no puddles bothered me as I headed towards the helpfully labeled 'Office'. As I opened the door, a jock-looking type guy with spiked blond hair burst out and stomped past me.

_Fagboy!_

Fortunately he didn't give me a second glance, but I leapt to the side in shock from my flashback, tears already threatening to spill forth. For fuck's sake, this would _not_ do! Especially not on my first day. I gave myself a mental slap and told myself to man the fuck up and I stepped into the warm office. With the heater on full power and the fake plants draped around the room, it had an almost tropical feel. A middle-aged woman in a floral dress and her hair still in curlers looked up from a magazine.

"Now who have we here?" she asked, peering at me over the top of her spectacles. "Don't recognize you, deary. A new student?"

"Yes Miss," I began, "Beau Swan."

"Ah of course, Chief Swan's boy. Yes, we all heard about your arrival." She insisted as she ruffled through some papers underneath her desk. Wonderful, everybody already knew who I was. Perfect start to this whole vanishing act. "Here we are. A map of the school, and this form. Make sure you get your teachers to sign it before bringing it back at the end of the day." She said as she handed me the papers with a flourish, as though bestowing some sort of royal approval upon me. Gingerly extracting the papers from her hands and hoping she didn't pounce, I crept back out of the office and into the light rain. I glanced over at the truck with a sigh. I would have to walk home - I wondered whether Charlie would be able to come and help me fix the truck at some point.

I hunched my shoulders against the cold wind and pulled up the collar on the old jacket I was wearing. More students began to arrive and as I walked carefully towards the main building, a tall boy with black hair and troublesome skin slipped spectacularly on the icy steps. Fortunately he landed on his ass rather than his skull, and a few students around him snickered, one offering to help him up. This was good, right? I'm not the only clumsy dumbass in this place... Then a very short girl with very stylish clothes danced and twirled her way up the same stairs and into the corridor beyond. My brief swell of confidence thoroughly popped, I clutched tightly to the railing and continued into the school. My eyes itched. I hadn't gotten much sleep last night, and what I did get was fitful. The taunting continued, and the bullies in my dreams had no desire to let up just yet. I wiped at them sadly and stepped into the corridor, brushing my now damp brown hair out of my eyes.

"New kid at six o'clock," said a nasally voice in front of me said, "No! Don't turn around!"

"Is he hot? Is he?" gasped another girl, who was resolutely facing her locker. I rolled my eyes as I hurried past them, hearing something about 'cute but scrawny'. I decided I'd track down my locker later and headed straight for the English class. The teacher, Mr Mason, fortunately paid little attention to me, signing my form and waving me to a spare seat without even really lifting his eyes from the newspaper in front of him.

"Hey!" said a voice to my left suddenly, causing me to jump and drop my bag. "Oh sorry, man, didn't mean to startle you," he said apologetically as I picked up the bag and its spilled contents. "I'm Eric, Eric Yorkie. You're the new Swan kid right? Small town, man, small town. Everybody knew you were coming. So how are you liking Forks, huh? It's pretty small and boring, though, huh? I don't mind it though, th rain is pretty relaxing and there are a lot of mountains and stuff -"

This continued on for a while, and my fraid nerves were grateful for the one-sided conversation. By the time Eric was done telling me about how incredibly awesome some beach up the coast was, the class had begun and I sank into a quiet stupor as Mr Mason droned on about various books I had read too many times to mention. Trigonometry and Spanish continued in similar fashion, save for the trig teacher Mr Varner causing me to blush profusely when he insisted I stand up in front of the class and 'say a little something about myself'. I stuttered my way through a short spiel about Phoenix before sitting down and locking my eyes on the graphs in front me, blocking out the light giggling.

By the time lunch rolled around, my nerves had calmed a little and Eric insisted that I join him at his table, located in just the right position to better see one Rosalie Hale's rear end when she sat down. I didn't care to see Rosalie Hale's rear end, but Eric insisted it would be worth the wait.

"Oh come on, why don't you just introduce yourself to her?" I sighed after his spiel had run long enough for me. This time it was Eric's turn to blush.

"Not a good idea at all." said the blond boy who had startled me at the start of the day. I had since learned he was Mike Newton, and mostly harmless. "You don't go introducing yourself to Rosalie Hale. Her boyfriend Emmett or his brother could punch your head right off your shoulders, and that's nothing on what Rosalie herself could do to you." he warned. They both sounded thoroughly unpleasant, and I wished I could simply move to my traditional habitat, the table in the far corner.

"Well alright then, c'mon, surely some cutie's caught your eye already." Eric grinned at me. My stomach immediately dropped, and I muttered something unintelligible. Fortunately before I had any kind of flashback, I was distracted by the cafeteria door opening. In walked five incredibly beautiful and oddly pale people, even for Forks. One of them was the small girl who had danced on the stairs this morning. The other four were all intimidatingly tall. None of them seemed to fit in with their drab surroundings. They looked like supermodels.

"Who are they?" I asked the girl next to me, Jessica, who seemed to be the fountain of all Forks High information.

"Them? They're the Cullens." she smirked. "Well most of them. The blond ones are Rosalie and Jasper Hale." A giant, presumably Emmett, who looked more man than young adult, put his arm around the blond and I could see where Mike was coming from. The group sat down, and I noticed the last of the group and the most beautiful person I had ever seen in my life. His tall, muscled frame draped itself lazily over the chair, and he brushed his messy... bronze... hair out of his eyes. _Sexy-messy, you mean_. No! Please, no. This cannot happen. I can't think that way. Not here, not yet. Before tearing my eyes away, I caught his for a moment and saw in their black depths a burning hatred.

_Punch your head right off your shoulders..._

With that, what little I had eaten of my lunch rejected its new home and I fled the cafeteria before I made a scene. I ran as fast as I could, not even turning to look back when I heard an almighty crash behind me.

**EPOV**

I hated it already.

That red truck I had noticed as I sped by the Chief's house yesterday had its ass parked near the entrance of the lot, looking as though it would never start again. I had seen it twice and I already hated it. And it was a fucking car.

"Geez, man, seriously. What has been up with you the past few days? You're making me feel like I want to punch through the window here!" Jasper said in an exasperated voice.

"Hey, you do that, and the pixie gets it!" Emmett warned from the front seat, before promptly being smacked in the back of the head by Alice. Why had I agreed to ride with my family today? Alice insisted that we were preserving the planet for future generations by using less fuel. Whatever. Our presence on Earth already fucked it up royally, a ruined planet would be precisely what I deserved. In any case, we were sitting in a Hummer... not exactly dear old Mother Nature's favorite ride.

The moment Emmett stopped the Hummer I was out of the door and marching across the parking lot into the main building, unwilling to listen to my siblings prattle on this morning. _Well, hello handsome_, thought a nasally mind behind me. I groaned. How could a thought be nasally? Lauren managed, somehow, to pull it off. I turned around and gave her a wink before feeling her heart rate pick up and heading off to whatever class awaited me in this God-forsaken limbo I was forced to call High School. _He likes me! I knew he liked me!_ Lauren thought behind me. Yep. Sure. Keep telling yourself that, and someday you might find yourself liberated of your blood. I had no idea why I was being such a bastard. My siblings did not deserve my constant foul moods, and this silly human girl, unpleasant as she was, did not deserve my manipulation.

Was I lonely? I didn't really know. If I felt the need for a girlfriend, it would not take much to redirect the 'relationship' Tanya and I had toward something more serious. It would not take much to convince any vampire girl, I thought, smirking at my own arrogance. Yet, I felt like that would not help. In my darker days, I had once had come close to having... intercourse with a human girl before drinking her blood. Though I have since decided my rationalizations to be foolish and wrong, she was a killer, and she was somewhat attractive. Fortunately, my failure to control the beast inside of me did not extend that far. I immediately felt sick to my stomach for those thoughts. I had long since realized sex, while serving its purpose, never left me as fulfilled as I knew it left my, at times, unbearable siblings. Some nights my mind-reading abilities proved to be so unwelcome I had to go and run through the woods for a few hours.

_Fucking shit faces!_

The boy who had attempted to sit next to me in class hit his knee on the table leg and his thoughts turned to profanity as his pencils spilled out over the floor. At as human a speed as I could manage, I got up and bent over to pick them up for him, deciding I should try and make amends for my recent attitude. _Just kill me and send me to heaven now_, thought the girl sitting directly behind me. Stifling a growl, I quickly gathered up the remaining pencils and shoved them to the boy's side of the table before sitting down and tuning out whatever base knowledge about mathematics the teacher was attempting to force into the minds of these fools.

Alice was looking at me curiously again as we made our way towards the cafeteria for 'lunch'. Her recital of The Iliad in Pig-Latin Latin shed little light on what she was thinking, so I hung back and waited for the other four to enter before sauntering in myself. Immediately the foulest stench of poor-quality human food filled my nostrils, and I was grateful my stomach held nothing to vomit up.

_Why on Earth do they live here anyway? Why aren't they in New York, or Los Angeles, or something?_ thought somebody in amongst the din of utterly pointless internal monologues. For privacy from people like you, I thought to myself.

_So Edward, how have things with Tanya been going? _thought Alice curiously, the strange expression still on her face.

"What do you mean, 'going'? They haven't been going anywhere. You know what it is, Alice." I muttered.

"We sure know what it is, boyo" Emmett chuckled. "We know what it is far too well!" I rolled my eyes at him.

"You're one to talk."

My hearing picked out a voice for my attention amongst the hum of the lunch room, informing a student that we were the Cullens. Who wouldn't know who we are? We were one of the most common topics of thought and angst amongst the student population. Was there a new student? I looked in the direction of the voice and noticed Jessica Stanley talking to a boy I had never seen before. I gasped as I took in his lean frame and gentle features. His eyes were warm and brown, as was his hair. _He's... beautiful_. This errant thought completely took me off guard. What on Earth? The venom was already pooling in the back of my throat, and I felt my body tighten, preparing to pounce. He was beautiful, and as a gust of winded which ripped through the cafeteria told me, he smelt _delicious_. My mind no longer cared for any other details.

"Edward, _no_!" Alice cried softly, her eyes glazed over with visions. At this my mind had no interest in reading her thoughts.

Just as the venom filling my mouth became too much to bear, the boy's wide brown eyes caught my own and he looked at me in abject terror. He immediately fled the room, and almost knocking over my chair in my hurry, I bounded after him. My blood lust and my arousal overwhelmed me.

_I am going to bleed you dry, beautiful._

The boy's heart rate felt like that of a hummingbird as he tore down the corridor. He didn't even turn around as he fled, but before I could reach him I was knocked sideways into a row of lockers. The lockers tumbled down around me as Emmett held my arms behind me and put his knee against my spine.

"Edward, what the _fuck_ do you think you're doing?" Emmett roared, shoving me harder against the ground. The boy had successfully made his get away, and his scent no longer held sway over my senses. Shoving Emmett off me, I stood up and looked around at the devastation. Before anything else, we quickly set the lockers up the right way.

"I'm sorry-" I gasped, gulping down the scentless air as fast as I could, dulling the call of the monster within me. "I'm sorry, I don't know what happened."

"Geez, I thought it was Jasper we had to worry about. Not you too? Mr Self-Control?" Emmett smirked, satisfied that nobody's life was immediately in danger. Alice came running down the hall to stand before us, looking as though she had been crying, if that were possible.

"Edward, please, don't hurt him!" she cried at me, and immediately her thoughts of blood and destruction filled my mind. I felt absolutely ashamed. I hadn't lusted after blood so strongly since I was a newborn. In fact, this was even stronger than that. Then more images filled Alice's mind, and I was suddenly reminded of the other strange dimension to this whole situation. In her mind, my tongue slowly dragged itself up the boy's neck, and his eyes were hooded with pleasure. I jerked backwards.

"Edward, what does this mean?" she asked slowly. But I didn't get to answer her question, I was already running as fast as I could from the school. I didn't even let these thoughts register in my mind, instead giving myself over to my instincts as I ran across the countryside. The storm that had been brewing since yesterday broke open, hurling wind and rain and thunder across the mountains as I ran and ran.

Before I could acknowledge where I was headed, I found myself on the outskirts of Port Angeles. The thoughts of thousands of humans filled my head, and the venom fought its way back up into my mouth. I growled, low and angry. Keeping to the back alleys, I stalked through the town.

"Here ya go, beautiful," said a middle-aged man to a teenage girl, both of whom were standing near a fire escape down one alley. The girl rolled her eyes at him, and I noticed he handed her a small amount of methamphetamines before she headed off. The monster roared within me - I felt so empty, the cravings felt so great. I needed this. The monster rejoiced, and reveled in the destruction it wrought.

---

I stood up, the man's face still frozen in its startled expression, only... deflated. I hauled his limp body into a nearby dumpster, and looked up to see myself in a shuttered window. I felt his life force flow through me, and I saw it staining my eyes a terrible crimson.

_Shame._

I could have felt it. I should have, but I didn't want to. I felt satisfied, for the first time in far too long. And yet... the ache did not go away.

_Before long, you will feel empty, and it will be worse than before. He did not deserve this, nobody does. They will look upon you with shame._

My family... I could not face them like this. They will hate me, what if they rejected me? The shame I should have been feeling all along swept through me and I almost collapsed to the ground.

_You're a monster._

I was indeed a monster. First I almost killed an innocent young man, then I really did kill an, admittedly worthless, man in this alley. There was no way they would accept me back after this. Not after all Carlisle had taught me about not harming humans. I was no better than any other vampire murderer lurking through the shadows. I knew I would have to face them over what I had just done, but I could not just yet. Not while my eyes held the evidence of my crimes.

**BPOV**

With all the contents of my stomach having heaved themselves into the toilet, I allowed myself a moment to think over what had just happened. The Cullen boy - the beautiful one. I had never even gotten his name, but when he looked at me with such hatred in those obsidian eyes, all I could think of was the torment I had been facing for the past year. _Could he know? Would he care?_ He couldn't possibly know. And given that we didn't even know each other, it was certainly none of his business.

I finally managed to collect myself, and noticed that the lunch bell had rung and it was time Biology, according to my timetable. I stood up and decided that I couldn't let one possibly handsome yet possibly psychotic boy distract me from being unnoticed. He probably just thought I was a worthless little social underling who ought not to have been looking at him. Yes, that was probably it. Those Cullens all seemed so perfect, they probably didn't appreciate having gaze of the normals devalue them, or something like that. The biology room was already mostly full of students, so after having my form signed I made my way over to the only empty table in the room and dug my nose into the textbook.

The teacher, a Mr Banner, began to call the roll and quite soon he came to-

"Cullen? Edward Cullen?" he decided to look up and I noticed him glance directly at the chair next to mine. So that was his name... Edward Cullen. _And he sits right next to you_. I froze, praying to whatever god was watching that this Edward Cullen would deal with his contempt for me by switching seats or classes, rather than dicing me up with a dissection scalpel. The rest of the hour passed in a bit of a blur, and every time I closed my eyes I could see his cold black ones staring back at me, hating me. What did I do to him?

_It doesn't matter, you're weak. You're stupid. And you're going to pay for that._

With the final bell of the day I ventured out to parking lot. I saw the small Cullen, the spikey-haired girl, dancing from the front of the lot near my car to the back end, where I spotted three other members of her family. The bear-shaped one, and the two blondes. Edward was nowhere to be seen. Shuffling in the ugly fluoro backpack for my keys, I remembered that the poor old truck had died this morning. Damn. My mobile had been the victim of one of my later bullying episodes, and I couldn't afford a new one yet, so I couldn't call Charlie. He'd be busy anyway. _Enjoy the walk, boyo_, I thought to myself. A spluttering rumble caught my attention.

My truck was running.

The hell? I certainly hadn't started it, and the damn thing was incapable of being started in the first place. I ran over to it, mercifully not falling flat on my face in the minefield of puddles. The door was still locked - that ruled out somebody having broken in to... fix my dead old truck. None of it made any sense at all, and with the day I'd had I didn't have the energy to think it over. Clambering up into the driver's seat, I took a deep breath and maneuvered the beast out of the parking lot and into the street. The storm had begun to die down a little, and I was able to make it back to Charlie's place without the slightest protest from the truck.

The house was cold and empty. Looking up at a picture of mom, dad and me when I was little on the mantle piece, I felt a few more of the damn tears sting my eyes. I didn't even care this time, and let them fall onto the woolly scarf wrapped around me neck. Why couldn't I just be like the other kids? I didn't even mean liking girls. I meant having some goddamn confidence in myself. Instead I was a little weakling who got beat up by inbred morons in Phoenix, and was given death glares by supermodels in Forks. If I had any use at all I would have learned how to fight back against the morons. And if I had any balls at all I would have stood up and yelled "Hey man, the hell are you staring at?!" at Edward, or something to that effect. I stumbled into the kitchen and made put the soup I had made the first night here into the oven, down very low, so it would be ready by the time Charlie got home.

When he finally did, I was curled up fast asleep under the thick quilt on my little bed, dreaming of eyes that promised oblivion.

**A/N - Don't kill me! Edward's not evil - he's just very conflicted. My justification is mostly pretentiously subtextual (sounds like a song...) and related to the quotes I put at the start of each chapter. But is important to show how confused he is, and how easily tipped he is when in this confused state. You've probably noticed that, in this story, he has a little bit of a split personality between the measured, proper Edward and the darker, hornier Edward... which one do you prefer?**

**Reviews please ******** They keep me going…**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N – Come on people! Some reviews would be ever so nice…**

**My italics can sometimes be a little obscure on Edward's part. With Beau, it's fairly obvious when they represent an emphasized thought or a flashback, but with Edward it can represent a read thought or his conscience. I'll try to make it as obvious as possible. Also I don't know how long it takes for the blood of one human to fade from a vampire's eyes, so I've taken some liberty there. **

**I do not own Twilight or any characters featured therein. Belongs to Stephanie Meyer.**

Chapter Three - Weakness

_Strike flat the thick rotundity o'th'world,_

_Crack nature's moulds, all germens spill at once_

_-King Lear_

**EPOV**

I didn't think that vampires could tire, but now I found myself in the wilderness once more, and exhausted. Whether this was from my endless running or from the sins I had committed, I could not say. The recent snow bathed the landscape in white, and I followed a small stream to a lake where I could wash the blood from my clothes.

_Monster._

I was always scrupulously clean when I hunted, but apparently in my frenzy I had forgone even that etiquette. As I washed my shirt, the still lake reflected my almost luminescent red eyes which had just barely begun to fade, and though the beast within me was sated my conscience was writhing in agony. After so many years of abstaining from human blood, after all those years of training myself to be as human as I could possibly be, as much like Carlisle as I could possibly be. After all of that, one look at a human - and not just any human, but a _boy_, and I was lost to primitive blood lust. What right did he have to barge into the world I had so carefully constructed around myself and bring it down with just a look?

_Oh, so it's all his fault, is it? How compassionate._

I should not think that way. He was innocent, entirely innocent in my wrongdoings. But why had he affected me as he had? His soft, brown eyes were the very picture of perfection. I felt my body reacting at the very thought of them. Fuck, Edward. He's a human. And a _guy_. Did you forget those little details? I did not have a great deal of memories from my human life, but I did know that such thoughts would have been entirely taboo back then. Things had changed, but attraction to other males was not something that had ever appeared on the radar of my consciousness. I had Jasper and Emmett, my married brothers, to whom I had only ever felt fraternal feelings. Similarly with Carlisle. There was Forks High, full of boys my own - admittedly frozen - age. For those boys, I had felt anything ranging from disgust, to mild kinship, to utter indifference based on the thoughts running through their heads.

But this boy. I had not seen him before. There were rumblings which I had barely paid attention to that we were to have a new student soon. He was the only face my vampiric memory did not recognize, and the beaten up old red truck was the only vehicle. Was this boy Chief Swan's son? I smirked. It would figure that such a joyless old man and such a hideous truck would give rise to a being that could hold me captive then send me insane with a single, stunning look. Was it possible that I was attracted to him? Was it just the intoxicating smell of his blood that taunted me? Or was it something more?

_I bet the skin on his neck would be warm, and soft, and perfect. Blood or no._

I couldn't let myself get carried away by this human boy, for so many reasons. Most importantly of all, he was a human. It was one thing to murder a pimp and a drug dealer - that in itself will haunt me - and another to endanger the life of an innocent boy with his whole life ahead of him. The most simple solution would be to move. _That's not going to happen_, I told myself. Esme and Carlisle and the others have made their homes here, for now at least. I would be unfair of me to insist we relocate. If they ever accept me back into the family at all. Perhaps I could simply apologise to this Swan boy, and try as damn hard as I could to never see him again. I had striven hard to build an identity for myself since my transformation, and I was not about to let errant thoughts about another male shake the fragile existence I had constructed around me.

"Edward, it is good to see you again. I didn't realize you would be back so soon." cooed a smooth voice from the other side of the small lake. With an elegant leap, Tanya was standing next to me. Indeed, my travels had brought me all the way to Alaska. "You've hunted a human, haven't you?"

I closed my eyes and turned away in shame. Tanya would not care - she lived the life of a vampire 'vegetarian', but held no grudge against those who indulged in humans. Still, I could not bring myself to let anybody see me in this abominable state. "I'm sorry, Tanya, it hasn't been a good few days."

"Edward, you're always having a bad day. As if we haven't been able to fix that in the past." she continued, running a finger along my back. The touch caused my body to react just a little, but what little interest my mind held for Tanya had ebbed away. Perhaps wondering why I had not looked at her, she stepped in front of me and pressed her considerable cleavage into my chest. "Look at me, Edward." she said simply, her palm pushing my face towards her. "What is wrong?"

I opened my eyes and took in her beautiful face. Beautiful it was, but not compelling like it deserved to be. Tanya had always known that her feelings for me were not reciprocated, and had respected the limits of our physical relationship. Still, I knew it was pure arrogance on my part that I used her for release, and to add to the preciously short list of things my life that I truly had any control over. Her hair tumbled gently down her elegant shoulders. _Why can't I love you, Tanya?_ I thought with a groan and pinched the bridge of my nose.

"Tanya, it has been wrong of me to continue our relationship as long as I have. I have been unfair to you, and we both know I cannot give you what you want, and what you deserve. I am so sorry."

Even as it came out of my mouth, the apology sounded worthless. Her face was impassive, but her eyes betrayed a touch of sadness. She dropped her palm from my cheek and turned to look towards the water.

"No, Edward. It is my fault. I have enjoyed what we have shared together, but I am entirely aware that you are not willing to... stay with me." she said, a little stiffly.

"I am just so confused right now. I've killed a man, I've lost control of my senses, I've run from Washington to Alaska and I've very nearly killed another innocent human, all because of a BOY!" I screamed, dropping to my knees and crushing the rocks beneath my fists. Tanya whirled around to look at me, a strange expression on your face as I regained my footing.

"A boy, you say?" she said softly, before turning back to the lake. Small patches of frost could be spotted here and there across the surface of the water, and tonight it would likely freeze over. Tanya stepped back over to me and placed her hand back on my cheek, before pulling my face down closer to hers as she stood on her toes. She looked carefully into my eyes, and before I could pull away her lips were against mine. The kiss was soft and lingering. She closed her eyes and sighed, and when she opened them, they seemed more settled. "Do come back to Alaska, sometime, Edward. I know my sisters have missed you." she said with a smile before turning once more to the lake. I took her words as a goodbye, but she made no move to leave, instead standing statue-like at the water's edge.

"Tanya?" I asked softly, but she did not reply, continuing to look towards the horizon. Eventually she raised a hand to place an errant strand of hair back behind her ear.

"There is a herd of deer to the south, Edward. Look out for them." she said softly, before resuming her statue-like vigil. I nodded, walking back past her and to the south. An hour later, the sun was setting in the distant mountains, and I stopped my leisurely pace to look back in the direction of the lake. I could just make out a small smile on Tanya's face as she finally moved from the lake, soon hidden by the thick growth of the forest.

---

By the time I finally allowed myself to return to Forks, my eyes were a rich amber color once more. I was still ruminating on Tanya's last words to me, and I wondered if she cared that I refrain from murdering any more humans. In any case, I didn't seem to have an appetite for deer, instead enjoying a few of my preference, the mountain lion, as the crimson continued to fade from my eyes. I was apprehensive about returning to the mansion after what I had done, and for vanishing without a trace for a fortnight. I hoped Alice's visions would put my family at ease, if they still had concerns to be eased. I stood in the forest beyond the house and listened for their thoughts. Alice was calm - she had been worried about me, but had seen my return within the next few minutes. Her thoughts provided no insight on her the rest of my family would react, however. Emmett and Jasper were engaged in a video game, and Rosalie was... satisfied about something, but what I could not decide as she was distracted by Emmett roaring in joy at his victory.

I then turned to the thoughts of my adoptive parents, and all I could sense was sadness and rage.

"EDWARD CULLEN!" bellowed Esme as she leaped with grace from an upstairs window, marched up to me and slapped my face with astounding ferocity. "Don't you _ever_ do that to me again! Where have you been? I have been worried out of my _mind_! Alice insists that -"

"Mom, I'm sorry." I sighed in defeat. "I'm so goddamn sorry. I don't know what came over me. I've killed somebody, mom." Were it not for my grisly crime I would have sounded like a little boy, and I sat down in the grass as Esme cradled my head. Of course, Esme was not my parent, and sometimes I felt concerned about how healthy it was for me to see she and Carlisle as such, and for them to see me as their son. But as my body was perpetually that of a young man, so too my emotions were often not those of a man of nearly one hundred. In such times, I pushed aside my reservations about our constructed family and sought comfort in them.

"Shhh, Edward." she murmured. "I understand that it is difficult. Sometimes we do things, very bad things, when we lose control. But no matter how bad it gets, running away from your family, without even telling us where you are going and when you will be back, will not help."

I heard Carlisle approach, and his thoughts told me of his disappointment. But I was surprised that, while he was indeed disappointed in me for killing a human, he was far more disappointed that I had not come to him for help and advice. Alice appeared alongside him.

_This is your story to tell, Edward. I haven't told them anything more. But, please, please tell them yourself. It's not healthy to continue on like this_, she thought.

---

"Edward, you've always come to me for advice when you've needed in the past. Why not this time?" Carlisle asked me sadly as we sat in his study. The rest of the household had gone out to hunt, save for Rosalie.

"Because quite clearly I am not in my right mind, Carlisle!" I said exasperatedly. "A boy comes into the cafeteria, and the next thing I know I'm chasing him down for his blood. Alice ordering Emmett after me is apparently all that spared his life. Then I ran to Port Angeles and murdered a man."

"We do our best to refrain from drinking human blood, Edward. But I have to confess my disappointment that you would think we would reject you when you had a moment of weakness in this. As you know, it can be a daily struggle for poor Alice to keep Jasper in line. Surely you have more faith in our relationship than this?"

"It was hardly a 'moment of weakness', Carlisle. He's dead, and it's my fault." I spat, running my hands through my hair.

"Edward," Carlisle persisted, "your control over these past decades has been astounding. And now we find ourselves up against something new. Do not dismiss all you have achieved because of this. You will get through it." I gave my hair a rest and stood up, looking around the room. I just wish I knew why this boy made me react so strongly. _My theory_, Carlisle though, _is that we may have found your singer, Edward._

"My singer?" I gasped, wheeling around to face my father. "How is that possible? I mean, I know it's not exactly the same thing, but aren't singers at least in some way tied to... attraction?"I distinctly heard Rosalie think to herself, _well obviously_. I snorted.

_Well, Edward, were you attracted to him?_ Carlisle thought. Yes. I was attracted to him. I wish I knew what that meant. No matter what, I could never lie to Carlisle.

"Yes." I said to his face. "Not that it makes the slightest bit of difference. He is a human and I am a danger to him."

_Edward,_ Carlisle thought,_ you needn't pretend that this isn't bothering you. You know the changes I have seen in my years, you know as well as any that the attitudes we clung to in the past were not always for the best. Please, this is something that only you can think through for yourself, but do not let it burden your mind. As powerful as the call of human blood is to us, it along with everything else will ultimately pale in comparison to the pull of love. Wherever you might find it._

"I am not in _love_ with him!" I growled, glaring at Carlisle. "Don't be so ridiculous. I don't know what in the world this is, but it is not love and it will not continue."

"Forgive me, Edward." Carlisle said softly. "I did not mean to refer to his, or any situation in particular. It was merely advice." I nodded at him, before making my way out of his study. The others had returned from there hunting, hopeful that I had resolved the situation with Carlisle. As I made my way to my room, two thoughts from Alice jumped out at me, accidentally or not, before she turned her mind to Jasper. First, was a vision of this Swan boy and I embracing in small, green clearing. The second was a discussion she had had with a girl about the new student. His name was Beau.

_Beautiful._

**BPOV**

It had been two weeks since I had seen Edward Cullen. Part of me - most of me - was grateful that I hadn't had to see those hateful eyes again. The rumor which his family had disseminated throughout the student body was that he was having his annual visit with his birth mother in Chicago, the Cullen children being adopted. I didn't know whether or not this was true, and I couldn't help but think his absence had something to do with me. Those eyes, he wasn't just having a bad day. He really looked as though he wanted me dead. I sat alone in the kitchen, eating my now soggy cornflakes.

"Right there, Beau? I'm off to work now." Charlie said as he popped his head in the doorway, a hint of concern in his voice. He was worried about whether or not I was fitting in at school. The best I could say was that there had been nothing like a repeat of my first day, and there had no more bizarre cases of car resurrection.

"Yeah, dad. I'm fine." I grinned. "Have a good day. And don't forget your gun, alright?" I'd had a hell of a time explaining to the next door neighbor why I had opened the door with a gun in my hand when she had come over to request I collect her mail while she was on vacation. Poor woman almost had a heart attack.

While my time at school was ranging from frightening to just boring, my time with Charlie seemed to be going okay. We had our routine - either I cooked, or we had takeout. I did my homework before coming downstairs to watch late night talk shows with him, then we both headed off to sleep. Wash, rinse and repeat. Just what we were both comfortable with.

After cramming my completed biology homework into my shiny new backpack, I grabbed my keys and headed off. Mike had been kind enough to recommend one to me at his family's store. I couldn't understand why he got such a bad rap from some people behind his back - he was a bit simple, but entirely inoffensive. My truck, still in good spirits after its miraculous recovery, provided me with an uneventful ride to school, save for a silver Volvo which tailgated me for a while before zooming on ahead. I noticed in the parking lot as well. Probably some spoiled rich kid having a good laugh at my old truck, I thought as I patted its hood sympathetically.

The day passed as uneventfully as most any other had since my second day, and Eric and Angela and the others didn't seem to mind me sitting with them. It was nice - I can't say we really talked much, which was my own fault - but it was good to sit with people and feel comfortable. Maybe even consider them friends someday. As we were heading into Biology, Mike made to grab my books and ran off down the corridor.

"Oh, would you look at that? Somebody stop that awful, awful man!" I cried in an effeminate, high-pitched voice as though Mike had stolen my handbag. This earned me a good laugh from the other students and a rather clumsy (on my part) high-five from Mike once he relented and returned my books. Feeling good about how the day had progressed, I sat down eagerly at my Cullen-free table. As long as we weren't dissecting anything and nobody had to witness me hurling up the cafeteria's attempts at food, Biology was probably my favorite subject at Forks High, though I sometimes wondered why they had no music subjects on offer.

"Hello?" said a smooth, velvety voice to my right, startling me. Strange, nobody sits-

_Fuck. Aw hell diddly ding dong crap._

Edward Cullen was standing next to _my_ table. I would have put on my best scowl if I weren't so terrified.

_Fagboy._

_Fagboy._

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you..." he said slowly, sitting down next to me. He didn't seem angry. Once I had my breathing back under control, I took a look at him. No way in hell should it be legal for him to be that good looking, I thought to myself bitterly. That definitely is not fair. His eyes, though. They were different this time. Instead of the death-ray shooting black holes of my first day, his eyes were a warm, buttery goldeny color. How did that happen? Had he been wearing black contacts or something? Perhaps he's an emo? I took a quick look at his legs, but his jeans didn't look black or skinny. _They're nice legs, though._ Fuck. Stop that.

"Are you alright?" he asked, breaking me out of my apparent daze. "I'm sorry I haven't had the chance to introduce myself yet. I'm Edward Cullen." He smiled at me, and held out his hand. I gingerly accepted it, and damn did he have a strong grip. The bones in my fingers threatened to snap and I winced. Not only that, but his hand was the temperature of the table. He immediately looked shocked and withdrew his hand. Even though it hurt, I missed it... "You are Chief Swan's son, aren't you? Beau Swan?"

"Oh..y-yep. That's me, new kid." I said in what I hoped was a chipper voice, raising my hand slightly. He chuckled and put his hands on the edge of the table.

"I don't know if you remember me," he began, "but I think we caught each other's eye in the cafeteria a few weeks ago. I must apologize for glaring at you, I had just received some rather... unsettling news." What on Earth could be that unsettling?

"It's cool, don't worry about it." I said, waving my hand dismissively. I was still a bit wary, not least because of his freaky eye routine, but nevertheless relieved that he no longer seemed to want to hand my ass to me on a platter. After hearing my acceptance of his apology, though, his face lit up with the most amazing smile, and I almost came in my pants. _Fuckety fuckety fuck fuck fucks_. His strong jaw framed the incredible, lop-sided grin and his eyes... sparkled? Eyes don't actually sparkle, surely. Calm down, Dorothy. Stop staring. He's okay with you now, don't go and give him any other reason to get pissed off with you. I quickly looked down at the table, but in my peripheral vision I noticed cracks forming where his hands held onto the edge of the table. _Now that's not right_. Was the Forks football couch feeding his boys growth hormones or something?

I didn't have time to dwell on this as the class began. I took out my homework and noticed Edward had gone rather still and silent. I kept to my resolve not to stare at him though, and kept my eyes on my work. It was a lab today, as we examined the mitosis phases of onions. Not terribly thrilling, but having a guy that made Brad Pitt look like a moldy old cat lady kept me rather on edge. Not that I really had to worry, I had done this all before in Phoenix.

Edward seemed impressed by my efforts, finally braking out of his frozen state, but still speaking rather stiffly. "You like Biology?"

"Yeah, it's pretty good, you know. As long as we're not cutting anything open, I think I've got it all under control." I laughed nervously.

"Funny," he added softly, not looking me in the eye, "I often feel the same way."

I didn't really know why, but it felt good that Mr Perfect, who identified every phase much faster than I did, had a flaw. I couldn't really picture him being queasy, though. It was quite strange - only this morning his eyes were the source of the most horrible thoughts and dreams for me. Yet now, after just a few warm words on his part, I felt so much more at ease. I doubted that this cordiality would extend beyond the biology table - I had been informed that the Cullens kept entirely to themselves, and generally looked down on the other students - I thought I might at least get in a goodbye to him as the class ended. It was difficult to know whether to feel attracted to or intimidated by the perfection that was Edward Cullen. Just one of the quirks of being attracted to guys... But when I turned to him, I noticed his face contorted in disgust, and he immediately fled the room before I could even pick up my bag.

**A/N –** **REVIEW! Pretty please with various well-known cast members on top?**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N – To put lingering concerns to rest – there will be no more het descriptions in this story! The flashback in Chapter One was the only one! I do not own Twilight or any characters featured therein. Belongs to Stephanie Meyer.**

Chapter Four - Total Mind Fuck

**EPOV**

This was not going to be easy, but it was entirely necessary. I had only seen Beau for all of a few seconds, and I was turning myself inside out over thoughts that had taken over me as I lusted after his blood. _Yes, his blood. Perfectly normal for a vampire, if undesirable_. There was no need to be so upset over those thoughts. Once I saw him again today, and apologized for my abysmal behavior in glaring at him, I would see that he is simply another human. An admittedly delicious one, but nothing more. I did not need to breath in his presence, and I was so packed full of animal blood that I should be able to control myself.

"Don't worry about it," Alice told me, "nothing bad is going to happen." She danced by, her mind singing _Popular_ over and over in a high-pitched squeal. She had been concealing her thoughts a lot lately, most likely to keep me from seeing the visions she'd had of Beau and I... These didn't concern me too much, Alice's visions were entirely subjective and I certainly would not choose such an outcome, so she would surely stop having them after today.

I headed to school on my own, spotting the dreadful old red truck that had been hanging around in my thoughts.

_What in the world do you think you're doing, you stupid boy? You're going to get yourself killed in that thing!_

I tailgated him for a short while, before remembering that I was not going to be fixated on this human, and overtook him. I nevertheless shadowed him somewhat throughout the day, trying my best to get used to his overpowering scent. Regardless of how I avoided him, we were still at this school together and shared a table in Biology. I would have to control myself. I had attempted to switch classes, but no matter how I flirted with Mrs Cope, her thoughts convinced me that there was nothing at all she could do - there were no free spaces. I sat in the corner of the cafeteria at lunchtime, hidden by a large stack of empty trays, and was struck by yet another disturbing revelation. I was listening in on his conversation with his friend Angela, and while her thoughts told me that she found him to be a nice boy, I could not hear a word of his own thoughts.

_Nothing._

His voice was soft and warm, its boyish timbre made me want to smile. But I did not. Because I did not smile over boys and because I could not read his mind. What was wrong with him?

_Wrong with him? What are you on now, you mind-reading freak_, I thought to myself. Very true. There was nothing wrong with him, and I absolutely needed to stop blaming him for my failings. I was grateful that, whatever Alice felt she knew about my future from her visions, she had the consideration not to bring it up with my the others. Rosalie apparently already knew what had been occupying my thoughts, as she had been eavesdropping on my conversation with Carlisle. In her mind, it was an unsurprising possibility, as unenchanted by her as I had been when Carlisle turned her. I felt a small stab of guilt over that - Carlisle had felt the need to create a partner for me, and I had not the slightest interest in her romantically. That could not have been a pleasant thing for her to learn.

But it no longer mattered - she had Emmett. Now, I was glad this little tidbit had not made its way to him. While my family were less... conservative in many of their views than I, nothing would spare me from the constant ribbing Emmett would want to send my way. One time ten years ago I had made the mistake of listening to the soundtrack of a musical while he was in the house, and minutes after he had found out what I was listening to he was writing my proposal to David Hyde Pierce. _Or Davey, as I'm sure you call the little deary_, he had laughed.

Still troubled by Beau's silent mind, I made my slowly to Biology, unsure of whether or not enter. I really did not want to - this whole ordeal was making me question myself far too much, and there was already too much that I questioned about myself. I did not need this. But at the same time, this was where we lived. For now, at least. I had to grin and bear it. With that, I made my way through the door, making sure to halt my breathing beforehand. Even so, I could still not completely stop his scent from caressing my senses, and immediately I felt my body tighten and coil.

_That long, pale neck will be the death of you, Beau..._

No. Stop that. I slowly made my way over to where he was sitting, hunched over the table.

"Hello?" I asked slowly. He jumped, apparently I had startled him. His face looked fearful, but he wouldn't look me in the eye.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you." I added. He finally looked at me, his wide brown eyes imploring me not to hurt him.

_I could never hurt you... look at you..._

His face seemed to calm a little, and he looked down for a moment before seeming to clam up. "Are you alright?" I asked. "I'm sorry I haven't had the chance to introduce myself yet. I'm Edward Cullen." I put on what I hoped was a reassuring smile and foolishly held out my hand to him. He took it carefully, but I quickly realized two things. For one, I had not touched a shaken a human hand in a long time, I was going to crush his fingers. _Two, I am a vampire. Cold._

I quickly withdrew my hand, and scolded myself for the pained look on his face. What on Earth had I attempted to shake his hand for?

"You are Chief Swan's son, aren't you? Beau Swan?" _Because you certainly fucking look like a Beau Swan..._

"Oh...y-yep. That's me, new kid." he said cheerfully, raising his hand. I chuckled at his cute mannerisms, before mentally slapping myself and remembering what I was doing this for.

"I don't know if you remember me, but I think we caught each other's eye in the cafeteria a few weeks ago. I must apologize for glaring at you, I had just received some rather... unsettling news." I said, hoping that would be enough to make up for my lustful glare.

"It's cool, don't worry about it." he said, waving his hand dismissively. I gave him the lop-sided grin that Esme had always found so charming, and I was immediately fighting for control as the most stunning blush spread across his face. _Oh no, don't tell me he's actually-_

_Mine!_

_I ripped him from his seat and flung our books and pencils off of the table._

_"Mr Cullen, what in the world are you doing? Get of him at once?" Mr Banner shrieked, leaping out of his seat. I gave an almighty snarl, baring my teeth, and the man gaped at me in terror, before fleeing the room along with the rest of the class. I shoved Beau onto the table, now miraculously clear of scientific equipment._

_"E-Edward? What are you doing?" Beau stuttered, looking at me in wide eyed horror. I bent down and nipped gently at the skin where his neck met his ear, purring softly. The monster stirred._

_"Just loving you, beautiful," I murmured in his ear, and the feeling of him hardening against me told me that the attention was not unwanted. I smirked, and ripped his t-shirt from his body. His skin was soft and smooth, spread out over a lithe frame. I felt his heart flutter as it pumped his delicious blood rapidly around his body, most of it heading south... "You are stunning," I whispered as I peppered kisses across his chest, my fingers stroking his ribs. "I could just eat you..."_

_"W-what?" he mumbled, barely coherent as he jerked about under my ministrations. I placed my head against his heart, listening to it thunder like a busy freeway. I hardened impossibly against his thigh, and I heard him gasp._

_"Yes..." I gritted, bucking against him slightly. Throwing ever more caution into the wind, I slammed my lips against his, thrusting my tongue, demanding entry. He granted it willingly, fisting his hands in my wild hair in an attempt to pull me closer. I kicked the chair out of the way and climbed up on top of him, pressing my weight against his slim body. He moaned at this, and my tongue searched deeper into his mouth. His legs drew back slightly, as if to wrap around me. "Naughty..."_

_I slapped his rear end sharply, and he let out a gasp. I ripped the rest of the clothing from his body, and then he was laid out before me. "Absolutely beautiful..."_

_Absolutely mine..._

_I growled and ran my tongue along his foot, nibbling at his toes, causing a giggle to emerge amidst his moans. I smirked, working my way further up his leg, focusing on the area behind his knee. He cried out and arched just a little, and I press his legs further backward. Fuck... what a flexible thing you are. That would come in handy._

_I licked and nipped up along his thigh, and his hands once again found my hair and twisted themselves amongst it. Pushing both his legs up against his stomach, I looked down and the monster inside me roared. So much blood... I took his length in my mouth, licking up and down, savoring what was merely a hint of his incredible flavor. I sucked a little and he bucked against the table._

_"Now, now," I murmured to him, and slapped him sharply again on his ass. He settled a little, and continued to suck. The monster was becoming too strong, and I had to let him go. Instead I loomed over him, pushing his legs back as far as they could go. Fuck, his feet were behind his head... Was I hurting him? Part of me didn't care in the slightest, but another part of me searched his eyes and was relieved to find nothing but incoherent bliss. So fucking flexible..._

_I leaned back and saw the object of my desire, his smooth, tight entrance. I ran a finger around it and he moaned again. He was going to be tight... I slapped his ass and his surprise caused the pucker to relax a little. I slipped a finger inside, massaging him slightly._

_So fucking tight..._

_His eyes were hooded, staring up at me with lust and a little confusion. "Surely you can see the effect you have on me," I smirked at his face. "You just make me... lose my mind..." I whispered in his ear, and he shivered and relaxed further. He seemed to be ready now, his arms wrapped securely around my neck, my face buried in his neck as I pressed my mouth against his pulse. I pressed my now rock hard cock against his him, waiting for him._

_"Please..." he whimpered, and that was all I needed, and began to push into him. I roared as his tightness pressed against my cock, my hands splintering the edge of the table as it groaned in protest beneath us. I pushed in ever further, amazed that he could take so much of me. I shuddered at the incredible feeling, raising my head up and pressing my hands down on his shoulders. Once I had gone as far in as he was able to endure, I withdrew and slammed in again hard._

_"FUCK!" he cried out, tears running down his face. I stilled for a moment, be he opened his eyes and looked up at me "please, don't stop."_

_And so I did not stop._

_  
My hips thrust back and forth against him as I plunged in and out, causing his body to be pushed further and further up the table. He returned once more to incoherency, sometimes moaning, sometimes calling my name softly, as he clawed against my back and my hair._

_  
"That's it," I chuckled, pressing deep inside of him and holding myself there. The table, it seemed, was not enjoying the process quite as much as Beau was, and with an almighty groan it splintered and cracked underneath my force. I carefully lifted Beau free of the collapsing table and whirled around, slamming him against the wall. I remained buried within him, and started to thrust my hips again as he bounced up and down, he head thrown back and his eyes closed. I felt his heart pick up even further, and I knew he was close. Holding him up with one arm, I dipped the other between us and wrapped my hand around his cock, pulling smoothly._

_"Come, now, beautiful," I snarled against him, feeling myself get closer too. Scream, go on... _

_"EDWARD!" he cried out, releasing between us._

_"Yessss I hissed," as he spasmed around my cock, milking me harder. "Oh fuck yes!" I cried out myself, the beast within me giving one final, almighty roar as I came inside of him, and plunged my sharp teeth into his warm neck._

_Mine..._

I snapped back to reality, shocked and unable to move. Not daring to breath, I looked around slowly, and found that the class was still present, the table was still intact and Beau was still clothed, peering into a microscope. I shuffled around slightly - it may have just been a daydream, but I was still hard, and it would not do to be found so in Biology class. Why the hell had I had such a vivid dream about him? Was it possible my attraction to him was for more than just his blood? I looked over at him warily, and he sat there innocent and oblivious to my thoughts. I pried my hands off the table, noticing it had begun to crack slightly. Beau completed his work with the microscope, and passed it over to me.

"You... like Biology?" I inquired, unable to think of anything else to say and not trusting myself to in any case.

"Yeah, it's pretty good, you know." he replied, "As long as we're not cutting anything open, I think I've got it all under control." You too huh?

"Funny," I replied, "I often feel exactly the same way." I took the microscope and quickly wrote down my answers, barely registering what I was doing but sure I would be correct anyway. For the rest of the class I sat motionless and not breathing, only looking over at Beau intermittently.

_My God he has terrible handwriting_, I thought to myself, and suppressed a smile. How could such lovely hands produce such a scrawl? _No, he is _not_ lovely_. He is just a human boy, and I was an entirely heterosexual undead creature of myth, whatever Carlisle, Rosalie and Alice might have thought. Suddenly I was filled with disgust at myself. I could not allow myself to have these feeling, I could not let them continue. I was already a vampire, that was enough unnaturalness on my part. Carlisle had enough trouble convincing me as to the safety of my soul as it was, I didn't need this. Beau turned to look at me, and surely must have noticed the look of disgust on my face. Fortunately the bell had rung and I fled the room, no longer able to look at him.

**BPOV**

I drove home in a huff, once more infuriated by the bewildering behavior of Edward Cullen. One moment he wants to murder me, the next he wants to be my friend, and the one after that he thinks I'm gross or something.

_Better he thinks you're unpleasant than in need of a beating_, I thought to myself. It still pissed me off royally though. Where did he get off anyway? I might have been plain and a bit small, and he a one-man Calvin Klein catalog, but what the hell did that matter? I hadn't done anything to him, not the slightest thing, and he flings his emotions around like a yo-yo. Perhaps he had some sort of personality disorder or something, and hadn't been taking his medication. Then there was the color of his eyes, inexplicably changing, and the coldness and ridiculous intensity of his handshake. Charlie had always emphasized the importance of a strong handshake, but Edward didn't seem to know where to stop on that.

I curled up on the couch and switched on a movie - I liked to think of myself as a bit of a film buff, yet here I was _Shrek_, something harmless to take my mind off of things. The ogre reminded me of Edward a little - he swung from pleasant to horrible at the slightest provocation. Perhaps Edward was insecure about something too? I doubted it. I knew it was foolish to look at a flawless cover and imagine a flawless book. Nobody had a perfect life, but I found it hard to think of what could possibly trouble Edward Cullen. Every girl at school seemed to crush on him to one degree or another, and a good proportion of the boys were jealous. He didn't seem to have many friends, but that seemed to be a choice he made himself along with the rest of his family. Had he wanted more, I had no doubt they would be beating down his door for a shot at being Edward Cullen's BFF.

I made a vein attempt at doing my English homework, I report on Wuthering Heights. 'Sif. I couldn't stand the book, and decided it must be a girl thing. I didn't mind the Austin, though, not that I'd ever tell anybody that. I did have to question why the school syllabus was so full of old English romance novels. There must be more than a few lonely women on staff at Forks High.

That cold handshake lingered in my thoughts all throughout the rest of the day, and I decided that there was something different about Edward. His eyes said it, his hands said it and his moods said it. I just wondered if he'd ever stay calm enough for long enough for me to find out what. The next day, the sun shone brightly on Forks for the first time since I had arrived, and at school there was not a Cullen to be seen.

**A/N - Well there you have it, table AND wall sex! You lucky, filthy things, you. You can't go and unread that now, you know. REVIEW!!! Please…**


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